The mother load........

Hello again

I'm having a very reflective week this week. I've just passed my 27 week mark and pregnancy wise I'm actually feeling pretty... good. (Pick yourself up off the floor, it's not that shocking!)

So this week I'm going to talk about something that's not solely about being pregnant, although it is having a more profound affect on me because I'm pregnant. But first a warning. It's pretty deep shit and probably won't be all that funny so if you don't fancy killing five minutes reading something like that then go and watch some cats on YouTube and catch me on the next post instead.

In every day life I am a pretty strong cookie. I face things head on and deal with them. I don't EVER run from my problems. My attitude is 'head down and power through' but this week I'm faltering. This week I'm finding it difficult to be optimistic. Let me explain.

My mother has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, a neurological condition which affects around 100,000 people in the UK. Mostly women and most people are diagnosed between the ages of 20-40. In my mother's case it was when she was 45. Its a clusterfuck of a condition. For those of you who don't know what that is, its an old military term meaning a situation in which multiple things go wrong. (Let me just clarify that that is NOT a used medical term. For Christ sake don't start quoting that to your doctors!)

MS is a bitch because although diagnosed people can share some of the same symptoms as each other and there are some 'typical' traits it affects people at such different rates which means that some people can live with it, work with it and generally 'cope' with it but for some it is devastating. This is how it was for mum. As quick as we could get equipment into the house to suite her needs, sure enough months later she would outgrow it because her condition would progress. Before she had her diagnosis she was a nurse who ran two nursing homes and lived for her work. She is now paralysed from the neck down (apart from some movement in her right arm)

It wasn't all bloody doom and gloom. She has a wicked sense of humour which she has passed on to me. We have always tried to 'see the funny' in situations which would otherwise have been crushing. Like when she first got severe shakes in her hands that she couldn't control and she said "well at least we'll save money on batteries" (I'll let that sink in)

Or when we took her up and gave her a bath, a task that used to take three hours because we had two flights of stairs and upon draining the water we realised that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to use her new bath oil. She slipped around like a wet fish, my brother and I grabbing different parts of her anatomy to try and get her out. All of us laughing so much that we had no strength to lift. Days like that you have to laugh.

Her condition and the dignified and astonishing way in which she copes with it has taught me a lot of things about how I should live my life. I have made my peace with a lot of inevitable changes over the last decade. She cannot do the things that normal mothers do. She cannot cook for me. We can't go on holiday together. She cannot stay at my house and spend the weekend. We cannot go shopping together or the movies because she gets so tired. I am ashamed to admit it but when i see my friends with their mothers doing normal things it physically makes me ache. And I suppose the most heartbreaking of all, although I have never said this to anyone, is that she has been unable to hug me for five years now.

The reason I am saying all this, apart from the fact that its a bloody sight cheaper than therapy, is that I am about to become a mother for the first time and although I may outwardly project an image that I have it all in hand, I would give anything to have her guidance. I know I'm talking like she's already gone but she is frequently having days where she cant speak and is very confused. I would give anything for her to be able to hold my baby. To be able to give my little hitchhiker to her for the afternoon. To have her see their first birthday. But it's not to be. Don't get me wrong I have incredible in-laws and a small group of the most amazingly supportive people around me who I am so lucky to have. But they aren't her.

Oh well. I will teach my little person who she was when they are older and tell them all about how tremendously brave one person can be. I will teach them that material things and money don't matter one bit and that all you need in life is a wicked sense of humour and lots of love.

Told you it was some heavy shit. Bet you wish you'd switched to funny YouTube cat videos now don't you. In fact I urge you to do that after this to cheer yourself up.

Lets end on a different note then. It wouldn't feel right not to have a bit of a moan about something.

I have slight OCD. I 'd rather refer to it as being slightly eccentric but whatever. I'm a bit pissed off that I can no longer drink Diet Coke because they now have names on all the bottles and if my name isn't available I don't feel I should have to walk around as a Brian or a Samantha.  The bloody bastards at Coca Cola are screwing with us!

And its hot.....and I'm pregnant....

annnnnnnnd breath..............